Last Updated: A Tuesday, Probably · Effective: When We Remember
1. Information We Collect
Hack Club Innovations Inc. Ltd. LLC. GmbH. ("we," "us," "the kids in the computer lab") does not collect any personal data. This is not a principled stance on privacy — we literally do not know how to set up a database. We tried once. It did not go well. Brian was supposed to handle it, but Brian quit.
2. Cookies & Tracking Technologies
This website uses zero (0) cookies. We do, however, display two separate cookie consent banners because we copied code from a template and were afraid to remove them. The cookies referenced in those banners are fictional. The cookies at our Wednesday meetings are real (chocolate chip, non-negotiable).
3. Third-Party Service Providers
Our infrastructure partners include GitHub Pages (because it's free), Google Fonts (because we load 8 of them and use 2), and Kevin's mom's WiFi router (our secondary failover server). We cannot guarantee the uptime of any of these services, least of all the router.
4. Data Security
Your data is protected by our enterprise-grade security infrastructure. This infrastructure consists of: (a) a WiFi password that is published on our homepage, (b) a Raspberry Pi that caught fire, and (c) the general obscurity of our website. We have implemented zero-knowledge architecture, in the sense that we have zero knowledge of how security works.
5. Children's Privacy (COPPA Compliance)
We are fully committed to protecting children's privacy. We are also children. This creates a recursive compliance loop that our legal team (the principal's wife) has described as "not her problem." We are COPPA compliant in the sense that none of us know what COPPA stands for.
6. Data Retention
We retain your data for a period of zero (0) days because, as previously stated, we do not collect it. Any information you type into our contact form vanishes into the void upon clicking "Submit," joining our club budget and Brian's two-week notice in the great digital abyss.
7. Your Rights Under GDPR, CCPA, and Other Acronyms
You have the right to: access your data (there is none), request deletion of your data (already done, you're welcome), and lodge a complaint (please yell into the void or visit the computer lab on Wednesdays). We respond to all data subject access requests within 30 business centuries.
8. Changes to This Policy
We reserve the right to update this privacy policy at any time, which we will never do because that would require remembering this page exists. If we do update it, we'll notify you by doing absolutely nothing.
9. Contact Our Data Protection Officer
Our Data Protection Officer is Kevin (age 15). He can be reached at the computer lab after school on Wednesdays, or by shouting "KEVIN" in the hallway near the science wing. Response time: whenever he finishes his sandwich. Do not email us. We do not have a corporate email. We do not have a corporate anything.